my secret

I have a secret... I've been walking around with it for over eight weeks now. You can't see it, it's not tangible but I live with it 24 hours a day. When I go out in public no one would know. My secret is a test of will and strength. Some days I win and others my secret wins. I am stronger than it, I tell myself daily. It's not my fate to carry this secret around forever. It's not my path. It's not meant to be. Today the secret it testing me, playing with my mind. I am fighting it with everything I have.

This morning when I went to the gym, I finally had the nerve to go upstairs and open my locker from 8 weeks ago with all my things in it. It made me a bit sad, it felt like I was opening up a door of my old life. Sitting nicely was my hairdryer, brush and other assorted things I use to get ready every morning before heading to work. I was planning on taking all of it home - but decided to keep it there. Because one day my secret will be a memory and I will be able to do what I use to do.

Some days I like my secret it makes me strong. I see others that have nothing physically wrong with them and choose to waste it. Precious time they could be doing things to make themselves healthier. I know that a large percentage of people would be taking drugs and given up by now. I haven't given up.... and never will.

massages and fish

Less is more people. Please talking to me about your alcoholic father you've never met nonstop for an hour is not relaxing at all. She talked the entire time. I was so frazzled when I left I totally forgot to tip her. ARGH it was not fun.

on a side note. I am currently obsessed with this video game
http://get.games.yahoo.com/proddesc?gamekey=feedingfrenzy I play it on xbox and it keeps me busy during the day as I lay around with my sleeping legs and feet. It's great fun I must say

blah me

no real reason to be blah but I am. I started acupuncture today which was ok but didn't notice anything on the first visit. Some people do, but I wasn't one of them. I need to focus on good things today because I am feeling a bit down. I still have feet and legs that are sleep. sigh. 8 weeks of this... my long term "goal" is to be able to do posing classes by April 21 at SOA. ( 9 weeks away).

wah wah me.

adding to my pity party I just ate ice-cream, shrimp with vegetables (chinese), one cookie and two rolos. I suck

it's 5:47 and I am awake and...

headed to the gym!!! well not for a real workout like in the old days but to do my stretches and light cardio on the bike. I woke up to do this now not for any other reason than I am grateful I can. things are really looking up for me. I am done seeing doctors that are clueless and uninterested in my health.

I realize my stomach is numb due to the epidural injection last week. I can deal with that. I can even live with that if I had to. I am wearing shoes! I am walking pretty well in them and heading to traction later this morning. It doesn't get better than that!!

yes they are still numb/asleep but I finally feel a legitimate improvement - and I am grateful for that.

SOA is 10 weeks out. I have a goal of 1.75lb loss per week which is realistic. That is 17 lbs.

tired but wanted to update

second night of traction... right foot is slightly better but left is the same or even a little more pressure. stomach still has odd sensation. hope to see new ortho early next week. mentally this is draining and depressing. trying to hold on to hope

next...

looks like I am getting a splash of good ole carpal tunnel. LMAO. is it funny no but in the scheme of things yes. I spend my days cramped over this laptop as it's my only social outlet right now and it appears I am going to have to limit my time on here. I know I am on here hours and hours a day and I will cut back to 2 or 3 at most and use a timer. What a pain in the ass!


Food today ... back to basics here, where I should be.

M1 egg whites/oatmeal/raisins
M2 double protein shake
M3 snack - slice of lowfat cheese
M4 egg whites/1 egg/mixed with vegetables

I need to have a few low days because I had several junk days in a row and I am cleaning up the diet. finally. I made a lot of false promises but my actions were on today.

Lots of fitness related days coming up I am looking forward to. posing practice and other events. I plan to go and be a spectator it will help me feel a part of everything and get away from this laptop!

tomorrow with the injection in site I was told I will be out of it for a few days. I'm ok with that. I just hope it does the job. I'm desperate here. I want to be ME so badly!!!

white trash saturday

so I thought I could find a way to get out of the house and do something and BINGO it was ladies and gentlemen. I took a look around everyone there was at least 50-100 lbs overweight. it was a scary site really. shoveling in snickers and barbeque potato chips by the bucket. I don't think I will be returning for quite some time. I went out to Laurel to delta bingo. so you've been warned.

symptoms update
little concerned as my right hand was feeling slightly asleep today on and off. hopefully it's nothing. we'll see tomorrow. legs still the same and feet and blah blah... nothing to report. Just hope I look back in a week and see a difference.

more of the same

Keeping myself as busy as possible right now by downloading music to my ipod, reading and of course reading the ocb boards constantly... I really hope that I will be able to return to work by the end of the month. I am starting to think that CCC is not going to be possible this year. I just don't know when I will be able to get back into the gym on a regular basis again. Which means the diet needs to be as clean as possible. Tomorrow I plan to clean out the refrigerator and go over some recipes so I have some things I like to eat this week ready to go. I can stand long enough to cook some things I want to eat and that is really good...Looking back on my summary of back pain it's really helping. I see just two weeks ago sitting was barely an option. Now I am sitting. I have to remember each day is a day closer to being me again.

Steroid injection on Monday...


summary of today
walking in shoes, best not in socks. I am able to drive and went to see Barry and my mother to sign some paperwork. feet feel a little more normal but there is still a lot of pressure in my legs especially from the knee down and oddly enough my stomach is really bad now. tons of pressure weird!